An Open Letter

When you were with me, I felt stronger than I had ever felt in my entire life. You gave a reason to want to succeed, and you helped me learn things that I wouldn't have learned on my own. The months that we were together were the times when I thought I was the very best that I could be. Looking back at such a young love and the powerful emotions which overcame the both of us, I realized that perhaps I wasn't the very best version of myself that I thought I was. Sometimes we find ourselves tangled up in a little world which blinds us from the actuality of events that are occurring right before our eyes, and it sometimes takes something that we didn't want to happen to make us realize this.

I can still remember the many tears I shed the day we decided to call it quits. I mean, it's not everyday that your very best friend and sexual lover disappears without a trace. There were days I thought I wasn't going to make it, the pain was almost too deep to handle. Although I had my friends there to comfort me, they were never able to fill in the spaces in my heart where you once were. I was afraid to look at my phone because a part of me knew there wouldn't be a text from you there, and the other part really wanted there to be one. I wanted with every fiber of my being to hate you, to hate the moments we spent watching old movies and meeting each others families, and yet, I couldn't seem to do it.

I loathed you for everything you made me feel towards the end of our relationship, and I wished that I could have erased you from my brain the few months after. Despite all of the pain, exhaustion, and wanting to move on, I still spent countless hours typing up and erasing messages that I wanted to send you to get you back.. I can vividly remember our last real encounter, sitting under a tree with you where we used to run; me feverishly attempting to persuade you to give me one last chance, but you didn't, and now nearly three years later, I am so incredibly thankful for that.

You helped me change in ways that are hard to put into words, and I hope I helped you too. Now, after all those clouds departed, I have been able to hold my head up high, and I know that I am capable of letting someone, whoever that might be, into my life. You exposed me to the aspects of a relationship I want in my future, but also to the areas that are completely unacceptable. We were young, stupid, and very immature at that time.

 I never thought that I could think of our relationship without heartache and pain; people said the day would come, but I didn't believe them, I didn't want to believe that we were through. You helped pull me out of the rut of the routines that I hated with my life. When we were through, so were many other external forces that were bringing me down. What I didn't know before our relationship was that I had the power within myself to do those things for me.

I'm not sure that I would have had the courage to quit my job, tweak my major, and look for a happier life without our breakup. I would have remained stagnant, I would have remained unhappy. There were so many things I believed were wrong with my life, and unfortunately for you, you had to witness my inner demons. Perhaps you provoked some of them to come out, but they needed to, I needed to identify with them and I have. There was always a silent dark cloud that hovered over me after the death of my oldest brother, at first you pushed those clouds back and I was able to feel bliss, actual pure bliss. As our honeymoon phase dwindled down, the darkness came back for one final battle which came in the form of extreme mood changes and passive aggressive tendencies. For this, I sincerely apologize as there were many mean words that shouldn't have been said.

The time after our relationship was the time I needed, I didn't want to face being alone but that's what helped me become who I am today. I started to take a stand for what I wanted in life, I had convinced myself that I needed to invest myself into another person to feel happy.

So after countless rebounds and failed relationships, I forced myself into remaining single for months, and during this time is when I finally found happiness within myself. There was a spark that just needed a little extra flame, and it transformed me into an actual individual. One who loves to travel, is determined to succeed, and is one hundred percent okay to be alone. The breakup changed me, it changed me a whole hell of a lot in many positive ways.

I have learned that I will not settle for anything in life that will interfere with my happiness; however with that being said, I am also ready to allow the perfect one into my life when the time is right. Thank you for saying no, for telling me that I needed to take care of myself because now I do. I wouldn't be sitting where I am today without you telling me I needed to change, not only for the others who I associate with, but for myself. I have come a long way from the person I was.

It was hard for me to say goodbye and end what we had, but it needed to happen. I needed you so that I could finally become me.  So, thank you for everything, and I hope that you are on your own pursuit for the happiness that you truly deserve.